Zombies are the new vampires...

I CAN HAZ ZOMBIE?

Today, there's so much news of a certain kind that it's hard to understand how the human race has been saved from extinction. This heaving plethora of Bad Ideas has made me wonder if only a tiny minority of people have rotten ideas but a lot of flashy publicity, or if a great number of us are lumbering around harboring disastrous thoughts, but keeping our sucky notions to ourselves. And what saves us? Are there just a few smart people in the avant garde who warn us not to have sex with couches ? (...about which, more later.) Or does the phenomenon of the great hive brain take over, suggesting en mass that we not make a raincoat from our own hair? Make A-list movies starring zombies? Have sex with a church banister?

Greater minds than mine are surely on this. At least I hope so.

Today I read that no less a publication than Time magazine is declaring that our love of vampires is so last year. Zombies are the new biggie. Diablo Cody, she of Juno scriptwriting fame, is hard at work on a zombie flick, so that settles it. My husband and I had an intense discussion and agreed that Diablo Cody is full of shit, as is anyone who'd switch from vampire love to the undead. For one thing, my hub and I noted, zombies can't carry a picture. Hell, they can't even play second bananas. The best you can hope from zombies is background. As a group, they can stagger through New York City, ripping the arms off passers-by and gnawing entrails on the sidewalks, but that's about it. Plus, they have no fashion sense, chunks of them are always dropping off, and they smell godawful. Whereas vampires generally look pretty terrific, if you don't mind that deathly bluish-pale skin. They wear great clothes, can fly through the air, nibble on hot-looking humans and live forever. What's not to like?

Purusing my news sources, I've also come across an account of a Romanian woman who has woven an entire wardrobe from her own hair. She notes proudly, “I have nine items – a hat, a shawl, a skirt, a blouse, a raincoat, a purse, a handbag and a pair of gloves." She went on to say, "I did this because I wanted to show how practical human hair is. The clothes are warm and comfortable – and the materials are free.” She's right as far as she goes, but I think she's a little disingenuous in overlooking the yuck factor.

Marching on, last I came across a sexual preference I hadn't known anything about. Not that I'm a drooling libertine, but I fancy I'm as worldly as the next, however I'd never run across objectum sexuality. OS people, as they prefer to be called, are not in least attracted to people, squirrels, or blow-up dolls. Rather, they fall in love with fences, couches and roller-coasters and feel that the object of their desire reciprocates through telepathic communication. The only real difference between male and female OSers, is that men mostly want to have sex with their La-Z-Boy recliner, whereas the women want to marry it.

So what's your preference today? Zombies or vampires?

Or that sexy microwave oven?