The bad client....

Another reason why I started blogging again is that I discovered these bits and pieces in my notebooks that had nowhere else to go but blogside. There's always McSweeney's, of course, but even they clutch at open-endedness, and no-conclusions-drawn writing.

Did I say I've been a freelance writer for a long, long time? The emphasis here is on long, long time. It's only been in the past few years that I've really gotten comfortable with my business...before that I was too busy making mistakes. For a while I seemed to specialize in terrible clients...that isn't true anymore, and I think it's because I became progressively more gimlet-eyed, on guard for tell-tale symptoms the bad client exudes like a vapor trail. One dark night I poured out everything I knew about bad clients, scribbling in my notebook until the wee hours. Here it is, in no particular order.

The Bad Client

The bad client carries a gun and lets you know he does.
The bad client thinks he's a badass, which he is, but not in an interesting way.
The bad client's project is clearly insane and you suspect the client knows it.
The bad client sometimes gropes you absent-mindedly.
The bad client will ask you to get his employees out of jail and counsel his fat receptionist about her diet.
The bad client doesn't know what it is you actually do.
The bad client is prone to exotic maladies, like gangrene and flesh-eating viruses.
The bad client buys you clothes.
The bad client's children call him by his first name.
The bad client has terrible employees who sometimes come to the office drunk.
The bad client sleeps on the couch in his office.
Sometimes, the bad client's mother is there with him. You are occasionally asked to bring her food.
The bad client has no recognizable business practices.
The bad client has no sense of time either...he has been known to call you at 3 AM from a pay phone near a freeway, where you can hear the 18 wheelers going fwhish.
The bad client hardly ever opens his mail.
The bad client wants to be your friend.
The bad client never works during business hours.
The client tells you that he always wanted to be in the CIA...this happens more often than you might imagine.
The bad client is being evicted.
The bad client has no files.
The bad client wears expensive clothes, but with stains on the cuffs or missing buttons.
The bad client wants a job for which he is the most unqualified human being in America...like being a kids' show host or a race car driver.
Strangers will suddenly appear at the office to announce how much they hate the bad client.
The bad client has dreams of glory, like becoming governor or a US senator.
This is because the bad client smokes crack.
The bad client takes you to terrible places for lunch, like Arby's, since he already has a coupon.
The bad client is in the middle of a divorce.
The bad client weeps at his desk.
The bad client will never pay you.
The bad client thinks you will forgive him.